damnedforlife

we are never going to get back together. even thought he thinks i will go back to him. i have a new boy friend DRU i have known him since high school about 5 years. Dru is a buch better choise than arson any day. this is a very good relationship and i can see it lasting for a very long time. the things i have learned from being with arson has helped me to know what to do better. we always tryed to communicate but it wouled not happen no matter what we did. But with Dru it comes so easy we make decisions together about everything that wouled effect our relationship. i am very happy with everything. i have not been relived, happy,excited,etc. for a very long time. i know now arson and i were not realy in love we were in love with the thought of it and with being with some one.

Current Mood: happy

not as tired as i was yesterday. i was getting loopy.

Dru and i are together. we have liked each other since high school. we hang out kiss but no relationship untill now. i am very excited. arson knows i have a boyfriend. he asked me the other day if we are ever going to try and work it out i tolgd him no. he got pissed. his goal now is to become sucssesful and make me want him and then refuse me cause i had my chance to go back with him i blew it. whatever i dont care i hope he dos become sucesssful i want to see him do somthing with his life. that dose not mean i will want him back. things are going good with dru right now it is still very early in the relationship so you know.

Current Mood: awake

today is so fucking boaring.

i had a good night yes.

i talked to my friend Dru. i have not talked to him in a long time. and it has been a while since we hung out too. so he picked me up and we went back to his bambo       pipeline where he works. the night shift from 7-3-4am. it was so cold. we flirted a lot and kissed a bunch i was happy. i have had a crush on him since i was a sophmore. he liked me too but i think he did not want to do anything about us till i was at least 18. i am excited he is calling me today. we talked about what we have been up to and what we are doing. we are going to try to hang out more.

not to mention Dru is 6'7" i am so short next to him it is ridiculous!!!!!

Current Mood: frustrated

fuck i wrote a lot i was boared

arson gets out the 23 of this month. he still dose not get it we are never going to get back together ever. we can be friends but that is it. i do not want to deal with all the drama that comes with us being together. be sides i do not love him. but i do care about him as a friend but not as a spouses. no way.

brian is avoiding me and any one who hangs out with me. martin nodded at him today and he ignored him. martin did not have a problem with him he is neutral not taking any sides. no one likes brian cause of the stupid shit he dose and says. the immature attitudes  . he is insane. i think he is attractive but fuck the games he plays are just lame. june thiks its because 1, he is desperet 2 he likes me and he got mad that i got with david.

i like david he is realy laid back and dose not like drama. so the thing with brian messed things up a bit. but we are still talking cause david still likes me. i am happy. he dose not want a relationship right now. which is fine since i still have to finish things with arson. and i am focusing on getting a job and save for a car and move out by June or July. but i still am going to hang out with david be friends tack it slow and see how it goes. he is concentrating on skateboarding, surfing, school and life which is ok. whatever happens happens. but i do kind of want a boy right now. well if i go out with friends and have fun and adventures or as june would say "escapades." i wont need a boy. but you know i will get one eventually there are alot of boys.

i might work at wal-mart. anything will do to start bringing in money and get out of my house too. i applied at carrows hostess so maybe i can get that one too. Amanda and her sister are going to rent a 3 bedroom house and they need a roommate so i might move in with them. or i'm waiting to heir from rick's friend about renting a room with b in his condo all utilaties are payed for and it is furnished so we will see. or b's dad owns a house in straned we might rent and daivd wants to rent a room from us. that might be interesting. arson wanted to move in with us. but he decided that wouled be a problem since we are not together and i wouled be heart braking. i am glad he came to that conclusion by him self. and we would not let him move with us anyway. especialy for free. or even if he did have a job still no too much drama.

larry my first boyfriends wich we are still friends. we talk once in a while and he is there for me if i needed him. but he likes me and wants to be with me and told me he would buy me a huge ring if we got married. well that would be fine except i dont know why i went out with him he is ugly. he looked like whit trash sorry but it is true. any way he wants to hang out and stuff but.......last time we hung out it was a saturday night 11:30 his birthday his friend vinc and him came and picked me up. i mentioned i wanted to go to state street one day and the next thing i knew we were on our way there. so we hung out there for a while. i was hipper cause i was tired so i was spinning a round in cercils hitting them with my purse. and i keept getting dizzy. it was fun but they where getting boared eventhough i was entertaning them. we went to the beach but larry did not want to walk around soo he stayed in the car while vinc and i walked for a couple of hours. we just talked about all kinds of stuff. it was a fun night now it was about 4 or 5 i could not go home till 7am. we started to leave but we got lost it was the funniest thing but larry was all depressed. cause i was hanging out with vinc and not him. he was bummed his birthday did not go the way he wanted it. not my fault.

oh maybe that was not the last time i was with arson and he came and met us at the mall cause i was barowing money. we hung out they talked. arson went to the bathroom and i was sitting next to larry hugging him. i guess flurting whatever larrys like no stop arsons going to come back and kick my ass if he sees you doing that. he was all scared of arson. arson thought he was cool. but what scared larry was when i met arsons friend jason you know it got mentioned i am singel and shit and he mentioned he wouled hook up with me and arson said if you do i'll slit your throat. fuck he was fucking hot he was gorgous. enough with larry.

it is kind of weird. well i feel weird not dressing in all black or punk you know. there are attractive boys that dress that way i want to meet them. well i feel okward not dressing like that. i look like everyone else and it is annoying i dont stand out i like standing out. i dont think that the guys i like will go for me cause of my new look. except for like david he would not like me realy if i did dress in the all black punk look which sucks. cause i love the look and the whole thing and everything. so i dont know. i want a skater kind of guy who dose not care if i dress in black and stuff. a skater who likes the same music and likes my friends and he likes black too. but that is not david so it kind of sucks. pepole probably think i am a poser or somthing. if i come to school dressed punk then the next day normal. but it just dependes on how i feel one day which i want to represent. i love the music and shows everything but some days i want to dress a sertin way. but like i said people would call me a poser or a wannabe. so i usualy dont care but it is bull.  

Current Mood: crazy

arson is in jail left CA went to AZ. he had warrants and they got him. we are friends but no more. he claims he is not jealous if i have a new boyfriend. but i am sure he has a bit of jealousy. he was dating this 15 year old for a while he denied it to everyone. nothing seriouse he thought a bout it and realized it was wrong. he told me he has not slept with any one i was the last person he has slept with. he told me he was surprised he did not go into slut mode. whatever. he was going to NA and has a sponsor. he thinks i would like and is my type, he thinks we will hook up yea right. my parents are going to be out of town may 23-28 and bianca and i are having a party. hanging out with bianca a lot. i think since she is back and i can talk to her and hang out i don't miss arson so much. i think if she was not around it would be a lot harder to get over him and move on to a new guy.

Current Mood: mischievous

have not up dated buissy no time . Bla hate life love arson. getting thretened to get kicked out of my house if i dont change my life and be diffrent person. but i bet i will not get kicked out because she has been saying that for 3 years. i want to see arson and kiss him and mostly fuck him. aaa like crazy it is driving me crazy.

Current Mood: nerdy

i sm fine with it. i am glad he didnt come. i dont want 2 see him. boring day.
bla bla.

Current Mood: bored

well found out bianca is at home has a job and she is sort of seeing mike. but yet she cant call me what the fuck. i am fucking pissed. i am going to call and see hat the fuck. chis came over friday and we watched a movie. satursay we went to the movies. both days it was fun. i am trying to quit meth but when your best friend hs your other friend call to see if you want to buy it makes it very difficult.

Current Mood: optimistic

well the start was not so good. arson called and i toled him how i felt about the whole 90days thing and i toled him no. he got all pissed and said fuck off and i toled him you too. and we hung up. so no more arson ever i hope.

chris came over on thanksgiving. i was glad i did not think he would come but he did. saturday we went bike riding for 5 hours. it was fun. i like chris he seems like a good guy and i am glad he came over and we got to spend time together. we'ill see how it will go. i hope it goes good. he wants to go pair sailing. i think thats what he said. i think he feels the same way about me as i do him. thats what it seemed on saturday.

i am glad to be rid of arson. dont get me wrong i do love him and miss him. he was the one i did love and everything but i just cant handel his crap any more. this is kind of hard. i am quitting drugs. and chris is helping me by wanting to get into shape and do extreme sports. i am glad i have some one who is encouraging me to keep going and doing good. i have not done any drugs in 3weeks.

Current Mood: excited

arson is back and he wants not to be boyfriend and girlfriend but husband and wife. in 90days. what the fuck. like an idiot i said yes. well befor i knew it was 90days i said yes. well i started to tack it back and told him he needs to get his life in order and so do i. he gave me the weekend to think about changing my mind. and i guess we are going to talk about it. he dissapeares comes back out of no were and expectes me to do as he says. and he told me i had to quit drug alchol or that was it. more of him trying to control. i was planning on quitting befor he told me i had to  . i think this is the end of us for good at least i think so but i thought that befor and it never is the end.

Current Mood: angry

i am so down. i have not talked to arson so he dose not know yet my answer. but he has to have it his way or no way unless he wants something he will make compromises. but this one thing i don't think their will be anything else except the two choices marriage or brack up. this is another way to try to keep me from being with any bodiey else. i feel so alone i have no bodie it seems. no body to hang with. my best friend is who knows where. then arson which he is going to be gone. i just need to get out more. but with who? i am bored. pain, hungry, lonely, feending, tired, down, hurting, emotional, physical. i dont know what i am going to do. i do not addmit this but arson is m life he is the only one i realy talk to or hang out with i dont know how much more of this i can handel. if we are no longer i cant see my self surviving this time.......

Current Mood: lethargic

monday i get home and my mom is bitching at everything. no body in the house cleanes up after them self. i clean and a hour later it is a mess again. and on and on. my dad kept on turning up the tv, or telling her to shut up, all she dose is bitch as soon as she comes home. then tuseday she starets on me how my room is the way a drug abusers live. then she tells my dad that i am exposing my sisters to things and puting there life in danger. and shit like that.
she tells me i better through away all my parafanilia. and she goes on.
yesterday i come home and its like nothing happened the previous days. just like nothing happened. she even wanted me to go with her to walmart. and she was all happy and being friendly and buddy buddy. ??????? i dont understand her some times. today she wants to do craft like activaties with me. ????????? yesterday arson came to the college and we went to the mall to get other applications for work. well i had to talk to a friend and an ex about lending me some money. well he met me to lend me it and he dose not like arson fro abunch of reasonas. but he did not do anything. he did not want to get arson mad.
arson liked my friend. any way arson is now christian. and he is giving up everything. no more drugs alchol nothing. and i am planning on stopping. but this is very hard. it has been over a week since i have tweked. today i am getting some bud and thats about it. i am going t stop everything but slowly i am not going to do any drugs in my house then comepletly stop. and staret getting my life back and away from drugs. arson wants me to marry him like soon just a small court marrage then save money for a bigger wedding. i am not too shure yet. my mom keeps on pushing me to get married and have babys.

Current Mood: contemplative

pain so much pain. cigarette i want one so bad. but trying to quit. over the weekend i...............lost the baby. i had a miscrriage. and it is all my fault the drugs and cigarettes i am so fucked up i cant believe i let his happen. i want it so bad i was looking forward in having the baby. s much t worry about. this is so hared to deal with and to add the stress of trying t get $143. this is too much.

Current Mood: stressed

i might be working at toxic. i have to go in tomorrow and henry wants to see if this one guy or me which is the better person to hire. i need to get $143 be for the 30th of this month so i dont go to jail. i need to pay the distrect attorney by then but i have no money i wish i couled borrow it from some one and pay them back if i get this job a toxic. but i dont know who to ask. i am freaking out i dont want to go to jail. if there was a way to get the money. damn. i dont know what to do. some one help please. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: stressed

so boared need sex and want it now.

Current Mood: determined

boared frustrted need to get high. so bad cigarett.

Current Mood: cold

he realy wants to be with me. he thinks if we brake up for he can get his shit together he will lose me for ever. he thinks i will have a boyfriend and that will be the end of us for ever and clearly he dose not want that. i am not attracted to him any more. he dose net turn me on the way he use to. he just frustrates me. i need a fucking cigaret and a fucking needle so fucking bad i cant brake down and get any of them. but fuck i so need them aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! i think i am going to go next door when i go home evran will make me feel better. yea thats a good idea. i need to talk to him he makes me feel better. just looking at him makes me better then when he touches me fuck.

Current Mood: confused

arson wants to be together that he is willing to let me be free(to fuck who ever i want) to do what ever i want when ever with who ever. on sertin conditions 1) i have to tell who ever i have sex with that i am engaged and my feancee dse not mind that i have sex with whhoo ever. 2) what ever guy i fuck must were a condom no matter what we do even if i give him head. hell no!!!! never 3) no three sumes only with him. well i will tell him i agree. but i am going to doo what i want sorry arson. i just wont tell him. this dishnesty will come back and bite me in the ass i know but he always has to have rule inplied in every fucking thing that is a comprimse or t fix the problem. dont need to be with him he is the one whoo wants to be with me so bad. i have hurt him again and again. but fr soome reason he keeps coming back. i am not sure why he dose. he must loove me alot to put up with all this crap. but why dose he love me so much why dose he keep coming back. i dont understand it. he wont move on fuck. what is his deal.

why wouled any one put them selves in this position. letting the person you apperantly love let them fuck other people and be together still. you know she i going to fuck other guys wouldent you think about it all the time wouldnt that upset you and visualizing it also. why is he willing to do this. yes he is going to fuck other chicks well nt sure he said he was not. so why wouled you let the person you love have sex with who ever she wants when ever if you know it is going to hurt. why are you letting her have this space while being in a relationship. i dont understand. couled it be that no matter who i do he will know that i still belong to him and i am his. and if we wherent t gether he is afraied he will lose me completly and he dose not want to lose me. that is the only thing i can think of why he wouled put him self through this he dose not want me to fall in love with who ever i fuck.

this is one fucked relationship i sware. i am free to come and go as i please, i can do what the fuck i want but then there is that chain holding me back i want to experiance other relationships not just have fuck buddys. thats nt what i want i want other boy friends that couled turn in to relationships. arson is the only guy i have dated since graduating there is a whole world of guys to meet what if arsoon is not the one which i dont think so. at one point i thought but it died he cant be the one im to marry and have a family with. i know he belives that we are supose to be together. but i know that is not true and he seems not able to let go of me forsome reason. but i have let go and it is not going to come back i am afraied that he will never figure that out. he cant seem too get it i dont know why.

Current Mood: contemplative